Archive for November, 2014

The Dreaded “D” Word

Greg called to tell me that Vanessa has asked for a DIVORCE.  Yes, the dreaded “d” word.  Greg celebrated his 38th birthday in March, his daughter’s 6th birthday in May and his 8th wedding anniversary in July.  My heart breaks for him and for Ella.

I, too, asked my husband for a divorce after 30 years of marriage and many of them, unhappy ones.  However, I NEVER wanted my children to be torn between their mother and father, spending every other weekend at one place or the other, alternating holidays and so on.  I purposely waited until both kids had graduated from high school, Greg was out of college and living near Boston, Wendy was a sophomore in college.  There was never any physical abuse in our family, but we suffered plenty of verbal abuse…more so Wendy and me, not so much Greg.  Early in our relationship, I went to counseling in an attempt to “make things work”; I asked my husband to accompany me, which he did once or twice then refused to go, telling me “he had nothing to talk about”.  That lead me to believe that it was my problem and he had no interest in “making things work”.  I attended counseling many times over the course of the next 30 years.  No, I wasn’t happy but neither was I so miserable that I couldn’t wait until my children were more or less adults before breaking up our family.  And I did it with a heavy heart!

Apparently, Vanessa was going to counseling but Greg didn’t say that she had asked him to go or that she wanted to make it work.  She doesn’t love him, their relationship isn’t exciting…blah, blah, blah.   You would think I could understand where she is coming from, considering I kind of did the same thing several years ago.  However, I tried for a very.long.time.  There was no social media when I got married and it wasn’t nearly as prominent 14 years ago when I called it quits.  She has posted a lot of pictures of herself and her girlfriends out at the bar, having drinks, while her husband is home parenting.  I’m sorry but spending time in the bar, with your divorced girlfriends, is not conducive to a healthy, marital relationship.  I mentioned that very thing to my partner, Bill, several times, along with the fact that she never mentioned being anywhere with Greg, even when they were together.  I also said it was like she wasn’t even married.  Unfortunately, I don’t believe that most people in long term relationships wake up every morning with that “pie in the sky”, “butterflies in my stomach” feeling. It’s great for books and movies, which is what makes them so popular, but I don’t think it’s realistic. I suspect Vanessa will figure that out but, then again, maybe not.

At a time like this, I wish I had a bevy of writers giving me the right words because truthfully, I don’t know the right words.
I’m sad; sad for the loss of a family unit at a time when families are so important.
I’m sad; sad for Greg because I know this is not how he pictured his life unfolding.
I’m sad; sad for Ella because divorce sucks, and it sucks for everyone involved, whether 6 or going on 26 and I HATE that her whole world will be turned upside down.

I’m concerned about Greg’s emotional and financial well-being, as well as Ella’s adjustment and emotional well-being.

I am praying that Vanessa will be fair, especially financially and that they will be able to agree on terms that are equitable to both parties.

Admittedly, I’m not completely surprised. I guess I’ve felt an uncomfortable “vibe” in the past few months.  Truthfully, I’ve never been very fond of Vanessa.  I’ve always found her to be somewhat cold and stand-offish.  I never felt she treated Greg respectfully…more like her man-servant, always yelling his name “Greeeeeeeg”.   I felt I didn’t have to be in love with her as long as Greg loved her and she made him happy, that was what was important.  I never really got the feeling that was the case; there was never much warmth or “passion” between them.

Greg is quiet, a man of few words with a twinkle in his eyes and a dry sense of humor.  I believe Greg is a wonderful, caring, honest and hard-working man; a loving father and I believe, a loving husband. When and if the time comes, he deserves to be with a woman who treats him with love and respect. I have not seen that from Vanessa for quite some time.  I’m not familiar with his social group or church family but I hope he has a solid support system and he will call upon friends and family when he needs them. There will be lonely, difficult times during the coming weeks/months but he doesn’t have to face them alone.

I will ALWAYS be here for Greg and Ella, anytime of the day or night!  I know this is not what he wanted, maybe didn’t expect, but I believe he and Ella will settle into the “new normal” and come out on the other side, better than ever, hopefully closer than ever, although it might not seem like that right now.

I love them unconditionally, I support them unconditionally.

IMG_2693Thanks for stopping by…



Read Full Post »